


Kiss Me Kill Me

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Original, Can't think of any given tags, Exciting Adventures, F/M, Fan Adventure, Original Character(s), Possible Dark Reader, Reader-Insert, Some New Shit, Spy Reader, lots of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 16:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10312163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: a mish-mash of bullshittery and awesomeness in the form of a Spy Reader. so, yeah.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i've been sitting on this fic for AGES because i finished 2 chapters and hit major block. and i hate making you guys wait for new chapters. but i've been really excited and happy about this new style of adventure that i've dreamed up and i hope you'll like it too.
> 
> so, possible dark reader, spy reader, some angst but a lot of excitement and humor as well. pretty much the full package *shut UP tony* because i kind of started from scratch. which also is why i hit writer's block. no template, all freeform, from the abyss that is my brain.
> 
> anyway, hope you like it, it's super original from my mad brain! leave me a comment if you like! and if it's not really your style, feel free to skip on to another fic =)
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

“Good shot.”

 

“Thanks, boss.” You held your hand in the air and closed your fingers as an arrow whizzed by your palm.

 

“Now you’re just showing off.”

 

You grinned. Today’s assignment was going to be fun. Realll fun.

 

 

You had heard about Barton, obviously. The infamous Hawkeye. Or famous, you supposed. To everyone but your team.

 

 

Small, but powerful. That’s what you liked to think of yourselves as. Relatively underground; or unknown, depending on who you asked. Definitely too low-key for SHIELD to worry about. Or to have heard of. Either way, you were about to find out.

 

“Everyone ready?”

 

“Just about.” Cyph was glued to the screen as always, tapping furiously to what looked like solitaire.

 

“What have I told you about playing on the job?” Relay pounded him in the shoulder as he hopped onto the ghetto van. Money was tight for little ragamuffins like your crew. Small jobs kept you low profile; also kept your pockets empty. Remind me why we were going after such a big fish today?

 

“Relax. Let the man have a little fun.” Fender strolled in casually, looking fly as always. He would be the perfect con-man if he wasn’t so… cool. People tended to remember him. Which was why you needed this gig. Cut a few more ties, lose yourselves again, start out fresh. Which is where you came in.

 

“Yes, fun is what we’re all about.” You didn’t like to get involved, but that’s probably why you were the new lead man. Er, woman. Didn’t attract nearly so much attention. “Let’s get this party started.”

 

“And this is why we used to let Fender take point. Less lame puns.”

 

“You’re about to be a lame pun big guy.”

 

“You two.” Fender put an arm around you and Relay. “After tonight, we’re all gonna be big. Just keep your head in the game for a day.”

 

“See? Fend says them too.”

 

“They don’t sound nearly as stupid coming out of his mouth.”

 

You snorted. It was true. Fend had an… aura around him. Probably why the two of you got along so well. Kept each other balanced.

 

“Where’s Pops?”

 

“He’s taking care of a few things.” A loud explosion sounded a second later. “Guess he’s done.”

 

“Come on, make room.” The four of you squeezed closer together as your favorite bombardier jumped on board. “Hey guys.”

 

“Always like a big finish dontcha?”

 

“That’s right.” He winked at you before hopping into the driver’s seat. “So, who’s down to have some fun tonight?”

 

“I think we all are.”

 

“You sure your intel’s good, Relay?”

 

“Lay off him, Cyph.” You put a hand on the cybernerd’s shoulder. “If it isn’t, we do what we always do.”

 

“Hit ‘em hard and wish it well.”

 

“That’s me n (Y/n)’s motto.”

 

“Shut up Fender.”

 

The wheels squealed as the five of you headed out to a star-studded evening.

 

 

“How’s the crowd, boss?”

 

“Hard to tell. Too rich.” You smiled sweetly as another millionaire couple walked past you. You heard Cyph scoff as he tapped some more. “Nice dress.”

 

“Focus, Cypher.” Fend was playing it safe today, staying behind. He was always smooth with the ladies. Too smooth, in your opinion. Not his fault; it came naturally. You just liked blending in, for the most part; although you would enjoy your time to shine when it came.

 

“Relay?”

 

“Peachy keen over here, boss.”

 

“Keep me updated.”

 

“Yes ma’am.”

 

“Pops?”

 

“Two exits secured. Third one might be a problem.”

 

“Too many eyes?”

 

“This guy’s wife is hot. Would be a shame to kill.”

 

“Don’t let me down now, man.”

 

Get in, get out, go home. Easier said than done.

 

Speaking of which. “You guys decide where we’re gonna bunk next yet?”

 

“Disneyland.”

 

“LA could be promising.”

 

“Nah, too many people. Ohio.”

 

“Good luck making any money there, Cyph.”

 

“What are we, landlocked? I vote Hawaii.”

 

“No.” You, Cyph and Relay spoke at the same time. Pops laughed.

 

“Why not?!”

 

“Three baby Bahama-mama’s is not what we need.”

 

“Face it Fends, you’re fish food in tourist town.”

 

“Then what do you suggest Pops?”

 

“Let’s strike it rich… Vegas.”

 

“Hmm.” The four of you considered. “Might work.”

 

“Good. ‘Cause I already have two houses for us there.”

 

“Pops!!”

 

“What?!”

 

“What if we had said no?!”

 

 

“The eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed.”

 

“And I was making fun of (y/n) earlier?!”

 

“Hey he’s a hawk. They’re both birds.”

 

You shook your head internally as you swept your eyes around you. Hottie, four o’clock. He definitely looked good in a suit; but those leather pants were your favorite.

 

“Evening, ma’am.” Great. Already got a reaction.

 

“I told you that dress was too out there Fends.”

 

“But doesn’t she look smashing?!”

 

“Smashing? Really?”

 

“Hi.” You smiled politely, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. Easy, (y/n).

 

“You’re a new face, here, aren’t you?”

 

“I wouldn’t know. They’re all a blur after a while, aren’t they?”

 

“Nice, (y/n).”

 

“Give him some space, boss.” You stepped back slightly as a waiter with a platter of champagne stumbled past you under the weight. Amateur.

 

“Careful.” The archer reached out and steadied the man’s arm, before grabbing two glasses. Smooth.

 

“He’s got your move, Fends.”

 

“Yeah but if it’s (y/n) we’re talking about, makes no difference.” You let a small smile grace your features at Fender’s comment as Barton handed you a glass with a smirk.  “I’m Agent Barton. And you…?”

 

“Woah he’s revealing his cards now?”

 

“Quiet.” Cyph warned. Silence fell as the sound of tapping filled your ears again.

 

“Agent…?” You lifted your brow in interest.

 

“I’m here to make sure everything goes smoothly Ms.-?”

 

“(Y/n).”

 

“Using your real name, boss?”

 

“For all we know, that isn’t even her real name. Maybe we don’t even know it.” You don’t know the half of it, fellas.

 

“No last name?”

 

“Now, Mr. Barton, I’m afraid you’ll have to earn that.”

 

“Clint.”

 

“Clint.” You smiled as he raised his glass to you and emptied it. You lifted yours to your lips and feigned a swallow as you admired his cuff links. There was a trace of powder on one; better safe than sorry.

 

He leaned in with his lips above your ear as he whispered, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to give me that last name, Ms. (Y/n). And your real name.”

 

“Am I in trouble?” You blinked in innocence.

 

“You might be, if you don’t comply.” You widened your eyes in response.

 

“He on to us already?”

 

“No one moves til she says the safe word, understand?”

 

“Yes Fender.”

 

“Protocol, ma’am.” Agent Barton smiled apologetically as he guided you towards the upper hall with a hand on your shoulder.

 

“Well, Clint, I usually don’t give out my last name until at least the second date.”

 

“Your real name then, at least.” You were halfway up the stairs now, in these damn heels. Luckily Fends had made you practice. Take down a few assassins no problem; walk in these things for more than a few minutes and you’re in trouble.

 

“Why, Clint, what gives you any reason not to believe me?”

 

“The same reason you didn’t drink the champagne I offered.” You were on the second floor now, heading towards the east wing. Right on target.

 

“Low alcohol tolerance?”

 

Clint gave you a grim smile as his arm tightened around you. “Hey even I know better than to touch (y/n) like that.”

 

“How’s his vitals Cyph?”

 

“Seem normal. But he’s trained, after all. No news at this point.”

 

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to let me go, Mr. Barton.”

 

“And why is that?”

 

“This amount of physical intimacy is definitely beyond first date etiquette.” You placed a hand on Hawkeye’s chest as you pushed him backwards, earning you a bit of leeway.

 

“Heart rate slightly elevated.”

 

“I get like that when she touches my chest too.”

 

“Shut up both of you.”

 

“How’s the third exit looking Pops?”

 

“Clear. I think that broad’s rack was fake.”

 

“Good to know.”

 

Leave it to your friends to keep up the banter when you could die any moment. That’s why you worked well, probably. Things never got too tight; even when Fends got arrested that one time. A couple of drinks, a stolen key, and some erased security footage. Once you were done here, his prints would be gone too.

 

 

“My apologies, ma’am.” You were one door down from the target now. Surely he had a reason bringing you this close. Red herring.

 

“Relay? Eyes on the prize?”

 

“Bingo.”

 

“But you must know, any disturbance to this event will not be tolerated.” His grip tightened around you once again as he reached towards the doorknob. “Even one as delightful as you, Ms…”

 

You smiled demurely. “If you didn’t believe the name I first gave you, I don’t see how another one would convince you anymore.”

 

“This may change your mind.” Clint spoke sternly as the door flew open to reveal… a dark bedroom?

 

“Hmm?” Clint looked around surprised, as you wrenched yourself away from him.

 

“Classic.” Fender breathed into your ear with glee.

 

“What on earth are you doing?!” You shoved him backwards as you grabbed at your purse for a phone. “I’m calling the police!”

 

“Wait!” He held his hands up in the air to show you he meant no harm. “I’m sorry, there’s been a mistake!”

 

“You bet there is.” Your trembling fingers had hit the numbers 9 and 1 already.

 

“Ma’am wait, there’s no need to-“

 

“You’re right, there’s no need.” Relay kicked him in the head as you pressed the last 1. The window across from your shattered.

 

“Not bad.” Clint got up with his arms in fighting stance as he faced you and Relay. “Almost had me fooled.”

 

“Thank you.” You curtsied and pulled a dagger from the folds of your gown in one motion. “Now I’m guessing it’s not in here.”

 

“It wouldn’t be right for me to tell you…” Clint jumped forward and engaged Relay with his fists as the two of them began to exchange blows.

 

Relay took a blow to the gut as Clint kicked him back a few feet. Ouch.

 

“But I can let you know that is correct.”

 

“Bummer.” Your hands flashed as the dagger bounced through the air in a pattern. A second later, an alarm went off.

 

“Not bad at all,” Clint offered as he rushed towards you with his hand in his suit pocket. Oh goody.

 

His first blow landed above your shoulder as he caught your wrist and twisted it, hard. You leaned your weight into him and kicked in an arc, hitting his forearm with enough force for him to release your hand. His next blow was partially blocked by your shoulder as his bow extended to full length and twisted its heavy strings around your calf.

 

“Oof!” Relay caught him in the side with his police baton as you swung yourself against the air, untwisting yourself and grazing his arm with your blade.

 

“Five seconds, boss.”

 

This was going to be tight. Very tight. Relay was once again thrown to the side as Clint released two arrows in your direction, one under each arm. Damn that was close. Your feet flew out in front of you to push against the cables driving you to the wall as you pulled into a forward somersault. A second later, the two arrows crashed against the wall, with a severed cable hanging from the middle.

 

Clint narrowed his eyes as he fired again, before turning to block Relay’s advances with his bow.

 

Titanium edged. Ouch. You grabbed one arrow out of the wall and jumped on top of the shaft of the second one, pushing off of it for leverage. As you sailed through the air, you hurled the arrow towards the ceiling with a slight pinging sound. The alarm stopped abruptly as Clint turned and stared.

 

“Now. Get out.” You dropped towards the ground with a crash as Relay gave Clint a final kick, freeing himself and running towards you. You threw your phone over Relay’s shoulder, which Clint caught with one hand, before the two of you took a flying leap out of the shattered window.

 

“Right on time.” You threw your dagger against the wall behind you as the blade ejected and you heard a yell. You winced; that’s gotta hurt. As the phone came flying back into your hand, you landed on the ground below, right next to an attractive looking woman. Well, her body.

 

“Exit three. Figures.” The two of you took off running as you heard footsteps behind you.

 

Well he wasn’t an Avenger for nothing. Two booms later, the footsteps stopped. You spared a glance back as you saw a figure stumbling through smoke. Good old Pops.

 

“Nice work, guys.”

 

“Thanks. Keep moving.”

 

 

Back in the van, you and Relay leaned heavily on each other, breathing deeply.

 

“Not bad, you two. Let me have some fun next time.”

 

“Not a chance. Did you see Pops’ girl? And they call you a ladykiller.”

 

“So did you get it?”

 

“Let’s see.” You Relay and Fender bent over the phone as Cyph reached behind him into a box. “That one’s pretty nice.”

 

“It’s a partial, at best. We’ll have to run it to make sure.” On cue, Cyph placed a clear sticky surface over the phone and plugged it into his laptop. There were a few beeps about half a minute later. “And… we’re in.”

 

“Let’s switch ‘em.”

 

As Cyph typed away, the three of you looked at one another. “They’re gonna have a name for us this time.”

 

“Should we give them one?”

 

“Let’s see what they come up with.”

 

 

And the five of you hurdled off to the land of too many cigarettes without further ado.

**Author's Note:**

> WHOOOO
> 
> SO MANY MINDFUCKS FUN FUN FUN
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: do you love this new style or what? (again, if you're not into it, i have a bunch of other fics. so actually if you hate it don't tell me, just go read something else :P )
> 
> there are all these fun original characters in your awesome squad and obviously i'll reveal more of their backstory very soon. already finished that chapter, at the very least.
> 
> yes, the conversation is ambiguous. partly because you don't really know who's who, yet. but it's pretty easy to figure out.  
> i could put the earpiece convos in italics, but i find that kind of annoying. i think it's pretty straightforward when lovely and clint are speaking; the rest is just banter between your crew as they watch over you, so yeah. 
> 
> i've been going through a lot of shit lately which is why i haven't been posting. so pardon me if i sound like a grump, but i don't like writing 'he said, she said, so and so said,' all the frickin time. as it is, i usually use other words (exclaimed, mumbled, piped up, etc etc etc) but i run out of synonyms regardless. and i don't just copy and paste from thesaurus.com or some shit, i try to read books and shit to expand my vocabulary without sounding uppity. so if you don't know whether Clint or Tony made the last quip/joke, it's okay. seriously, you should be okay with it. and i provide a ton of context clues. so yeah.
> 
> anyway, i needed to get that off my chest. i really do put my heart and soul into these fics and if someone doesn't like it, it's easy for them to just click away instead of saying something shitty (hasn't happened on this site really but it happens on other ones) about something i worked really hard on. i've gotten things like "i only read your stuff because i like reader-insert but i can't fucking figure out who's saying what.' well then read something else asshole. or learn to use context clues.
> 
> okay, rant over. i know you guys are good eggs. thanks for hanging in there with me. sometimes life gets me down and when i escape to my writing and that gets shit on too, then that's just depressing.
> 
> quick poll 2: which member of the avengers (or all of them) would you like to get involved next??
> 
>  
> 
> fyi i'm saving the awesome intros to each of the new characters for the next chapter, there's meant to be some mystery behind your team, but here's the basics in case they weren't clear in the fic
> 
> Cypher aka cyph- hacking/tech  
> Pops- weapons/explosives  
> Relay- hands-on field agent (like you)  
> Fender sometimes Fends- smooth guy con man/ TBD
> 
> You- Badass MotherFucker
> 
> hope you guys liked it! it's a really fun concept and i haven't seen much like this out there -mind you i don't read much fanfiction as i'm deathly afraid of seeming copied/plagiarized. all my ideas for plots and fics and stuff are from my stupid head, unless i specifically say it was inspired by a certain writer or something. even when i make jokes that refer to certain shows or books i always mention it in my random ramblings. i want my creativity to be 100% my own. not saying it's bad if you're inspired by other fics/authors- i totally support everyone's creative process, and everyone should be able to write what they want and what they love. just for me personally i try to do everything from all the madness in this mind.
> 
> anyway here's my latest fuckterpiece, or masterpiece. give me some love below if you liked!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker
> 
> p.s. if i sound salty it's only because shit's going down in my life. i mean more major than usual. so yeah. again, much love to you guys, you keep me going my beautiful lovelies!


End file.
